the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
