Acid is not a monday night drug
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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