Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize