so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
pray to the hookup gods
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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