last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
