Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
