I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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