I CAN MOONWALK!
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
