so that wasnt chicken after all
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
