Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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