Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
