Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
