1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
