if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
