Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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