I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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