This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
