I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She swung at the pinata with crutches
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
