You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
