Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
