next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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