I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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