i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
