I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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