I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
