You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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