Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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