me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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