Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
