So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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