a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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