I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I want to be your penis for a week.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
It's shark week go big or go home
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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