I just cut my nipple shaving
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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