i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
