good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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