her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
third nipple confirmed
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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