I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
