the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
you inspire me to be a worse person
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
