I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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