Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Drake has all the answers
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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