mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
