I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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