i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
