to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
