Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I checked into jail on foursquare
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
