I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
