I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Lo siento on account of my penis...
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
