totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
