Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
