wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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