Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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