I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
