i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
It's blow job season.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
