Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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