you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
