my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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