I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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