My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
