i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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